Out of focus

I can't get out of my head and am feeling fuzzy around the edges the last couple of days. I'm wishing I was a dog.

In this dream I'd be one of those really mindless dogs who only want to run and run and run, zig-zagging from place to place, taking in all of the smells of the world. You'd see me sprinting past and I wouldn't look back. I would stop to consider why I was running or where I was going. I would just run on and it would be beautiful. And like Stephen the very fast dog, for you short story fans out there, I would be perfectly content to just be. A dumb happy mutt. I love that thought.

Thanksgiving was great, and the week before was slow but nice, but this week I feel like a great big fog has crept into the loft and clouded my senses. What I'm doing? What am I supposed to be doing? What do I really want to be doing as a freelance photographer? Even worse, along with the precipitation multiple distractions have rolled in as well: debates on photojournalism I'm peripherally involved in, a colleague having lied, a conversation with a friend about brand identity, and the looming specter of designing my new portfolio. I'm out of focus.

I've turned to my usual sources... music, books, friends, liquor, some down time. I know it'll come back eventually but I'm bothered in considering how long I've been driving down my proverbial freelance path without being awake at the wheel.

I'm about to begin my 5th full year as a freelance photographer and I have no idea where I am. I can measure myself against friends and colleagues, but that doesn't have any meaning. I can reassure myself that I've found clients, a solid income, and representation, but that doesn't really answer the bigger question. I'm not a photographer who got into this career for the "life" - I don't care about the travel, the gear, the name in print. I really just want to try to learn and share what I learn and become a better photographer. It's a very long road and I've always known that I was here to be in it until the end. Sometimes I just wish I knew what mile marker I was at now.

What did I want out of this when I began? Did I know? What do I want out of this now that I'm 5 years in? Do I know?

I want to free my mind from the trap of relative thinking. My opinions about this photographer or that one, and how they shot this story or that one, don't mean a fucking thing and shouldn't be allowed to effect me. I want to reconnect to the content. I never lost understanding that the subject is what is important, not me the photographer, but I want to dig deeper into the issues and try to find better ways of connecting the portrait to the story, when the portrait is all that is left. I want to ask more questions and learn more from those I meet and photograph. I want to learn new skills and refocus old ones to hone my instincts. I've yet to really embrace new media and technology to deepen my ability to tell stories. I want to refocus my attention to my personal projects, and refocus my personal projects on the issues that truly mean the most to me. I want to remember the incredible importance of passion in communicating a message. I want to create more photographs for myself. I want to strip away the industry bullshit and the technical nonsense. I want to think less about money. I obviously didn't choose photography for the money and I do not want to sacrifice work I care about for something more lucrative that I don't. I want to be more honest with shitty photo editors. I want to stop feeling lucky for the hard work I've put in to get this far. I want to take more risks and work harder to push my work further. I want to be a better advocate for important journalism. I want to live up to my potential.

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