A question of why

The last chunk of Kavalier & Clay didn't manage to clear my mind; and since I stayed up until 3 a.m. reading it last night, I'm feeling even more foggy today. But after turning the last page of that epic and incredibly beautiful novel I was reminded a little about why I became a photographer: I love telling stories. Simple realizations like that don't fix the confusion of creating a new portfolio, but they can make certain decisions easier to make.

There is a scene from my memory of the days just before I really took up photography seriously: I'm driving home from school in my grandfather's hand-me-down Olds 88 just as the golden hour before the sunset is painting every leaf of the giant pines and oaks in my neighborhood with brilliance. Across from our house there was a big open field that I would sometimes wander around in, and hopping the fence I found a spot under one of my favorite trees and sat down to watch the end of the day turn into night, and the colors and mood and passion change in front of my eyes, filling me with a deep sense of honor and wonder that I was connected to something so beautiful.

That's a story about aesthetics, but all of that awe soon turned to the way that photographs could explore ideas and issues, and in their sharing affect people's lives. Believing in that power is why I continue to work as a photographer, and why I continue to want more and push myself harder to try and find some of the potential I feel that is within me. I wish that portfolios were used more as a reflection of potential and passion, but its not really the case.

And so I try to connect the motley bunch of dots of my magazine career in the making to reveal a cohesive vision, which is as hard as trying to sum up the publishing industry or "the media" in any meaningful way. (I always cringe when someone says "The Media" - what in the fuck does that even mean these days?!) In a certain way I feel that the work in my portfolio can be viewed as a reflection of the needs and goals of my clients, and thus the industry at large. Everything is more complicated than that though. We all live in grey, and spend the majority of our time trying to wrap bundles and boxes up in black or white ribbons - thank god things keep falling out the sides. The need for and celebration of a complicated and varied portfolio is actually one of the few things that I do really miss from the newspaper world. A gritty documentary image next to a beautiful lit portrait, and both of them one in the same. That makes sense to me.

I have just about zero control over the kinds of pictures that the publishing industry decides to admire and use to sell its wares. As long as beauty and a post-produced, hyper-real version of the world continue to be what dominates the imagery of nearly ever cover in my market, my passion and portfolio will continue to demonstrate a varied set of styles and skills. I wish I was rich enough to live outside of someone else's definitions, and maybe someday I'll win the lottery and will change my devotions. Until then I can't give up on my personal projects or documentary attitudes, even if in doing so I may be able to advance my career. And though I dislike the term "photojournalist" these days, that's what I'll always aspire to be. That idealism and hope and passion I hope will always be my why.

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