At both ends

Nearly all of the feedback is in on my first draft of the new portfolio and I'm worse off than when I'm started. I'm starting to feel in desperate need of getting it all behind me as soon as possible. It's a predictable cycle, and the comments today were completely expected, but its effect has still made me stop cold in emotional computation. I'm not even stopped, I suppose; more like reverse. It's again all back to the fundamental question of "why am I a photographer?" My brain tells my heart that its a fair and important question that should be asked from time to time, and then my gut punches my brain hard and tells it to shut the fuck up.

The portfolio is reaching too far; trying to be too many things to too many potential people. It needs to be stripped back, and then refilled with a different spirit. The adjectives are all wrong, and it almost demands a damn audio guided tour to keep straight - not a great sign, though it could be a fun gimmick. There are pieces that I like, and images that I'm proud of... but I can see that they aren't helping. Last week a professor from Mizzou called me up and asked me if they could use my portfolio as a teaching tool in their photojournalism class - and now the idea of all those eyes makes me a little sick. I've been sidetracked to the point that last night I spent 4 hours drastically reworking my website from the ground up to make me feel better about the whole of my work being presented. I finally quit and turned off my computer because I knew it was a completely wasted effort.

There is some good news... everyone likes the middle of the book. It's just the beginning and end that are in shambles. When Marcel and I talked today it felt like we were transported back to the conversation we had more than 2 years ago in his office at Redux when he asked me to join, and his repeated emphasis on portraiture. I said "yeah" a lot then and today. He's right, and I'm right, but the portfolio can't really marry both of those extremes, even if we both have to live with it. I'm just not ready to become that photographer exclusively yet.

Right after we got off the phone I began to think about Jeff and the way that I've thought about each of our different styles in the past year. Now I see that we are doing exactly the same thing, just years a part. He's through fighting this battle and is happily on the other side and working in a focused way on a cohesive vision for his photography. I'm using turkey shot and blasting holes in every direction... a travel assignment here, 4 portraits there (1 lit), 2 documentary jobs here, several personal projects there, the rare advertising gig way over there in the corner. I'm still not to a place yet, either within myself or from my clients perspective, where I can or want to approach each job in the same way, with the same style -- so of course the resulting images are going to be difficult to fit into a box together. I've always liked that about this job, but its really a liability when it comes to editorial promotion. That's such a bullshit sentiment.

Some of the changes are going to really help the book, I can see that already. But I need to figure out this X factor I'm currently missing before I'll be able to move into the final stages of the process. The first order of business in the morning is to kill my darlings; all of them. Then I can fix the pairings, add more BIG pictures, tighten the layouts, even out the drama, package the reportage together in a more friendly way, and then design the title and ender. Hopefully the last 100 pages of my third re-reading of The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay and some sleep will clear my mind. Tomorrow is a new day.

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